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THE NIGHTMARE IS OVER (unedited stream of consciousness from me 2 u, about good news and relieving mental illness)

Hello fellas, good evening. This is not a fiction piece or my typical surrealist bullshit, I have decided to randomly write a piece here about my life, even after I said I’d probably be gone. I’m even writing this in the actual Substack post editor as opposed to pasting it from a google doc.

The other day I was flipping through some of my old writings and blah blah ended up here again, and I was reading through my most recent stuff. Particularly the latest post “Aromatic” and thinking of how depressing it was. I suppose I still like the post but it’s obvious that I was getting kinda fucked up. The whole thing revolves around a fantasy of basically blowing myself apart, some very apparent suicidality. It’s a common theme when I get like that, self-soothing by imagining fantastical obliteration of my body.

I’ve discussed depression and suicide here before, a lot on my psychiatric medication for it. Still highly recommend btw, Buy Prescription Drugs Now! The piece I wrote on that is pretty hopeful, that was a pretty hopeful period. It was all looking up, and I was at that moment falling into that trap of thinking “I’m feeling better now, so I must be Really Truly Better or at least Getting Better.” The last part can be true, I think there’s an upward trend that can’t be discounted.

But God, I hate winter. The following months were pretty awful. I phased in and out of periods of deeper depression and normalcy, and with the winter came the occasional reintroduction of homeless mode. It got better, spring came.

Most importantly, I was about to graduate college.

That was the one thing getting me through my final year. It was my Final Year, if I could only tough it out I’d never have to fucking go back never have to see that fucking worthless hellhole again and so on and so forth.

For some reason right before that it got really bad. Maybe you’ll get what I’m talking about, that mind-splitting feeling, it’s the worst thing, hard to describe. For a week I was tipped into a near-psychotic (“near” haha) spiral of it, spending a good amount of time curled in the fetal position, with my hands stacked and pressing hard against my forehead, like I was keeping my skull from splitting open. That’s what it felt like and that was the only thing that made it feel a little better.

When I’m in that state I always forget that it was ever any different. I know that’s pretty normal for those of us suffering this affliction, the understanding of which does not help at all in the moment. I’ll be honest here, why not, that was the closest I’d gotten to catching the bus in three years. I know in my heart if I had certain tools on hand I would be dead right now. It’s becoming increasingly uncomfortable to write this. I almost deleted this paragraph because it feels too personal but then I’ve already written similar enough before so whatever.

Anyways, I made it out in one piece and graduated college and immediately moved away. I’m happy with myself. Right now I feel incredibly relieved, grateful towards myself for being able to do this, to graduate, and other hard things I’ve done in that timeframe. I don’t hate myself now, nor my past self. I’m appreciative towards him. I’m glad. It’s incredible. College was without a doubt the worst four years of my life and thank God I don’t ever have to go back, but now I’m out and I have what I went there for. It’s great. It’s really crazy.

The flip side of the inability to remember the happy days when I’m in the trenches is the inability to understand the bad ones when I’m doing well. At the moment, though, I can understand it perfectly well and still not be in it, and that’s new. In the month since I’ve become an alumnus I haven’t felt suicidal even a little bit. Becoming inconvenienced is what it is, a minor setback, not a trigger to start imagining my own death. (Now I see what a daily coping mechanism it became. “I lost my fucking shoes, you know though, I can always just kill myself.”)

This peace has not occurred since I was a preteen. What the hell? This is crazy.

I’m not gonna be like I’M FIXED IT’S OVER because I know things can just turn over and being honest probably will if only briefly but I can say for certain that I am getting seriously better in a real way. The people I hated, I don’t really hate anymore. I think I’ve sucked all the emotion I can get out of the memories. The details are fading as they get further away, and now things I do remember just become “events” and nothing more.

The future looks good. There’s a pretty good chance I can achieve the dream I’ve had for years and I’m making real progress towards it. I’ve also actually started writing a novel heeheehoohoo rather than just hyping myself up mentally for it. For that reason I still don’t think I’ll post often here if I even do at all, and a lot of the articles on this site are still just depressionbait and suffering porn and there’s no reason to expose myself to that by frequenting this site. (And, you know, I’ve given up almost all other social media. I fill the void by learning Chinese now because I thought it would be funny if I knew Chinese.)

And it’s not just graduating, I’ve heavily shifted my worldview recently and I’ve accepted myself for who I am (cliche cliche uh how about you kys). This encompasses many aspects of myself but in short, I’m going to play to my strengths. You know what, I wasn’t going to talk about this, but I think it’s good to get out there. The main acceptance is that I’m not gonna keep self-flagellating over my asociality. It’s genuinely just how I enjoy life. Call it cope but it’s baked in. Some of you with this particular same so-called condition will get it. I’m not shutting the door but I’m not gonna beat myself up and it doesn’t need to be wide open.

Anyways, I just wanted to get some thoughts out. This is basically my unedited stream of thought at this very moment. This post won’t do numbers clearly but (cornball alert) for those of you who do read it, here’s an example of it getting better against all the constant spam of how everything sucks and everyone is shitty. If you are like me I hope you can find your way out of it and I hope we both do permanently. Godspeed my friends, don’t die.

“Fart”